What thing happened to you as a child that you haven’t let go of to this day?

I was beaten on a regular basis . Everything in my room was outlined with a pencil and if anything was out of place in the evening I would be beaten. This was usually done with a belt or paddle with nothing on from the waste down. This went on from 4 yo to 15. I was constantly told I was a failure and would never amount to anything . This was also reinforced by my grandfather when I had to visit him. This led to becoming and overachieving perfectionist with a low self esteem. Several failed relationships and severe cases of ocd, ptsd, adhd, and social/anxiety disorders. I now live alone which I don’t enjoy and I never leave the house. I have. Zero friends not by choice and haven’t been on a date in 13 years. I can give you a list full of things wrong with me but struggle to name one thing good about me even though I have two college degrees , helped design a yacht for a leading boat comp, earned 7 medals in the war in Iraq , had my own business. Raised 2 children on my own, Was a member of Mensa and have an iq of 152. I have spent my whole life trying to prove to everyone I wasn’t a failure just to end up alone feeling like one anyway. I am my worst critic as most of us are . I often contemplate why I have no problem loving everyone unconditionally but it is so difficult for anyone to love me. This has been an achilles tendon of sorts as it has allowed me to be taken advantage of, used and the majority of my possessions stolen or taken by family, friends and exs. So desperate to find someone to love me as I do them makes you for an easy target For nefarious agendas.